All grown up, but... by Daniel Wallace

By DANIEL WALLACE - 08/28/05 - For the Journal-Constitution

Like football itself, this is a pointless story.

When I was a kid growing up in Birmingham, I had some pretty strong opinions. So did my best friend. So certain in our beliefs, we were able to divide pretty much everything into a list of likes and dislikes. This is what the lists looked like.

LIKES

1. The Beatles
2. Camaros
3. Mustard
4. Peanuts
5. Auburn football

DISLIKES

1. The Rolling Stones
2. Corvettes
3. Ketchup
4. Andy Capp
5. Alabama football

Being best friends, we agreed on everything ... except for one thing: Jamie put Alabama on the "likes" list. He was crazy about Alabama football; his whole family was. Leading up to the game, Jamie's father trotted out all the old Auburn jokes, like the one where Shug Jordan is yelling at his team in the locker room: "It has come to my attention that some of the members of this team are not changing their underwear. This has got to stop! So, 22, change with 43; 12, change with 19 ..."

It only got worse from there, of course, because Alabama usually won. And every time they did, under the cloak of night, Jamie and his father would roll our yard with toilet paper and spray paint the score in our driveway. We knew this was going to happen, and we tried to catch them. But we never did.

Then came 1972. What a year that was. I can still remember the sound, that lovely hissing sound, as my father and I sprayed the score on their driveway in bright blue and orange paint: 17-16. And the words "Punt, Bama, Punt."

That was a long time ago, and a lot has changed since then for Jamie and me. Both of our fathers are dead. We're married, with children of our own. I like ketchup now, The Rolling Stones, even Corvettes. And Andy Capp can, on occasion, be amusing.

But I still hate Alabama football.

Go figure.

— Birmingham-born Daniel Wallace is the author of three novels — "Big Fish," "Ray in Reverse" and "The Watermelon King."