'What heathens these?' by George Singleton

By GEORGE SINGLETON - 08/28/05 - For the Journal-Constitution

As a Furman University alumnus with an odd degree in philosophy, I'm used to following a winning — albeit I-AA — football team. Unfortunately, pregame activities in the parking lot outside Paladin Stadium consist of slightly wussy impromptu games of Jeopardy, Trivial Pursuit or spelling bees. My fellow fanatics are wont to eat sushi and drink iced tea before a big game against, say, The Citadel. I'd always heard about giant tailgating parties that began 24 hours before games between Florida and Florida State, Georgia and Georgia Tech, Alabama and Auburn — heck, even Harvard and Yale.

But to this point I have still not participated in such bacchanalian activities.

One time, though, I happened to drive between Columbia and Greenville, S.C., north on I-26, at about 9 on a Saturday morning. Near the Jalapa exit, as it happens, there are dual rest areas right across from each other on the four-lane. On this one day, both Carolina and Clemson played afternoon games at their respective home stadiums. Clemson fans from the midstate and low country drove north, and Carolina fans from upstate drove south. I don't know if it was a planned spectacle, or some kind of theatre of the absurd happening, but as I drove north on this still-flat area of South Carolina, I noticed men, women and children crowding both roadsides, wildly waving their arms, or at least single fingers.

I slowed down, expecting a horrific wreck, or a confused stray dog. But no, as I passed through at 20 miles an hour I found out that only Clemson and Carolina fans — still weeks away from their own yearly clash — took time out before tailgating in order to hurl insults and, I assumed, pickled eggs and fried chicken at one another.

hat else could I think but, "What heathens, what absolute maniacs, what obsessed, drunken, lower-level human beings are these"?

And of course I wanted to pull over and join in.

— George Singleton is a Greenwood, S.C., native and critically acclaimed author of three short story collections — including last year's "Why Dogs Chase Cars."