Why am I the way I am? A short Story

[Aloverssunset]

Hi Sandra,
You are an inspiration to so many people including myself. My heart breaks for the little girl and embraces the woman you have become. I could feel the energy and pain through your writing so much. You will help so many people reading your poem.
Why am I the way that I am?.........I feel only we (ourseleves) deep down know why. I know I could give a long list why I feel I am the way I am.

Thank you Ronni, for reading and responding.  So many people have gone through so very much in life, and find it so hard to open up, relate and releade the pain. I hope to show them there is a way, through poetry and prose. Through art of their preferences. Or maybe through just writing it down on a journal.

Thank you
Sandra

[Aloverssunset]

Why am I, the way I am?

A childhood full of abuse, had my spirit withering and bare. from the first memories of a child, enduring the lash of a branch,  given by an aggrieved, alchoholic mother  who thought life was so unfair.

To those pain filled moments alone in my sanctuary, a piece of wooded land, with a castle like home abandoned and still. Where I could almost pretend that life was grand and fair, staring into natures beauty, with sunset's glowing through the tree's and rainbow colored parrots gathering at dusk, squawking and preparing their lair.

Then the unknowing mauling and rape at 12 years of age, now, with a wish and desire that someone had been there, when my pain almost sent my body tumbling down 14 floors of a building, did no one care?

I can still see it and feel it, the dizziness, the
see saw affect on the protective rail I had willingly climbed, though I could barely reach.

 Then the sudden surprising glorious sunset, the sun a deep dark tangerine I had never seen before, then I knew someone was there, showing me what I was truly giving up, eternal peace and joy.

Why am I the way I am? There is something there. Something not known, but still known deep to my soul nevertheless. When my troubles were the worst, when my pain was unbearable. When the choices were few and the sorrow was unmanagable.

Each and every time, I cried to the heavens for help or mercy. I was shown, that no matter how I hurt, how ugly people can really be. There really is a beautiful life to see. There is peace and tranquility in life. Search for it, for it is there. If you have faith, the search will not be long.

Once you have learned to turn to the light and strength, in times of sorrow and misery. It is time to share what you know, Time to prove that no matter what you have been through, the saving grace is that you are not the same and never truly alone. The power to change things, truly, belong in your own hands.  

Be kind, be cheerful, share, care and show the world, a beautiful soul inspite of the misery, for what if their misery is worse then your own? And a smile from you is all they can count on, what if a hello my friend, is the only kind thing they see in their entire day? What if you can save someone from the brink of death? Just by being there for them in whatever little way you can?

Would you do it? Why am I the way I am?

Copywrite©2006 Sandra Moore

Post Note: 1.04.07
I will say this, see-sawing from that rail is the worst thing I can imagine I could EVER have done. And each time I just READ it, I can feel the effects, the dizziness, the building and cars below moving, calling to me. I almost went down, ALMOST. And still I see in my minds eye that brilliant glorious sunset, I have never EVER seen it again in just that way, in just that color. I don't even remember how I got off that rail, all I remember is my tears blurring the beauty my soul needed to see. My sign that HE was there and that things would be alright.
 
To anyone feeling as I did that day before the sunset. Look for it, look for the sign!  It doesnt have to be a sunset, it could be anything at all. It is there you just have to open your eyes to see it. It is there, I promise.  

And....  I am here.  FOR YOU!
 

[Lillyfrog]

Hi Sandra,

Thank you for sharing, bless you, I have seen my sign, the parrots & sunset was your sign from god, look closer, through your turmoil, this beauty is still here,( sunset & parrots)  you need to still be here, he had a greater need for you here, if you could see beuaty during this time.  Then he knew you could pull through this and see the beauty he saw in you.  Why you seen that beautiful sunset & birds, could be those things are something you love or enjoy.   As for why you are still here  & didn't turn to bad side of life. I believe that everyone has a will of strength in their soul, never dieing strength like the bird the phenix ( rise again from ashes) Some people have this will and some never find it with in them, their is signs for them some see it, some don't.   Some people don't have the will to  believe in themselves, be able to rise above the traumnas (not insecurity) we all have insecurities at a point.  I do know I call it will (soul), my time like yours was when I was 14 when my mother wouldn't believe me about my step father, I ran away, they figured out where I was 2 weeks later, I was told if I didn't come home, I would be locked up in DH for running away only once in my life.   I didn't go to anyone, because my own mother didn't belived me so who else would. So I came back still trying to figure out how to deal with living in the same house for years untill I was 18, I got a parttime job while going to high school and was also going to tech school, I figured the less I was home, more I kept busy then he couldn't mess with me, hopefully I would suirive through this.  After a year of this, and still the issue at hand not changing not getting better, except I wasn't home enough for him to come near me as often , and if I was home, I made sure I wasn't home alone with him.  After a year of this  I couldn't live with it anymore I took a whole bunch of pills figuring this was my way out, this was how I could solve my problem because my moms wasn't.  After 3 hours of getting sick, barely not being able breath, I crawled to my moms door, she opened the door and look at me told me I needed to be locked up in a mental ward, my step father told her he would take care of  it to go back to bed, which my mom did.  It was in that moment that I realized I hadn't died yet,, couldn't not figure out why?  I had taken close to 100 asprin, by then I had puked for 5 hours straight. I was severly sick, but somehow I made it thru 8 hours of puking up bile etc.  I decided okay this didn't work, I never tried sudicide again.  I realized for some reason I"m meant to be here, didn't know why? Really at that moment I questioned God, & what I had been through and why he didn't let me go.  So I continued to  go to high school & tech school still, had part time job &got a full time job. I made it through, moved out when I was 18. Never looked back, sad to say me mother are not close, I forgave her but will never forget. Still I never understood, I had more traumas & for a while I still couldn't figure out why god helped me to be here untill I had my first born who was born with spinal bifida, it was on that day I realized I was to be here on this earth for my kids unlike my mom had been for me.  That day my son was born and I learned he would never walk, run I vowed then I would never be like my mom.  Again during this time, I pulled from god and all my strength from with in me to be their for my boys and to teach them to rise above life challenges, with god, to always find their strength they can overcome anything.  If their is a will there is a way.!!