There is No Help/Please Pray!!!!

[sage61]

From my journal...
    "I asked for strength, YOU gave me strength; boy did YOU give me strength! I asked for inner peace, YOU gave me inner peace. For the most part, as long as I dont think! I ask for answers, I hear nothing. I ask for help, silence. I ask for YOU to protect my family, YOU show me wings. I know they are pretected, but from what here on this earth? From what in these days we are living at this moment as YOUR warriors?"


   Last I wrote I was asking for someone to step forward and help my family becouse of our situation. Well, I now am beyond even words or thoughts about anything anymore. Between Monday & Tuesday, I now know that we have NO plan and there is no help and we will be completly homeless by the 8th of this month! It is October, this is the month that everything we own,(other than myself, 2 small duffle bags of clothes that I am growing out of(too big), my daughter, a few bags of things and my oldest pretty much the same), is being auctioned off. I have tried to find help to stop this from happening becouse we at least have a friend that will store the things if only we could get them. I was praying for so long believing that this second try with social securty would bring us a positive answer and that woud pay for it if nothing else. Well Tuesday, I found out that I was once again denied SSD. This after my dr.'s sent them everything again and telling them they WOULD NOT release me to work, and that there was no way I could anyway.  Whatever. Yes it is going to be appealed for the third time. They are definity sticking to protocol on this one. It has been almost 2 years since I applied.

   Also, yesterday, I went to this Christian Center were I am at, and they are always very good at helping with everything...e xcept this time. There is nothing they can do for me. I do not have enough income to recieve any help from any of the place's that have any remote help what so ever. All of the programs available, are based on a liviable amoung of income and this I do not have.  As far as shelters,  I do not quilify becouse of my disabilities. They can not accomidate people with disibilities due to the fact that they move them around weekly. Which I knew that already from preveous calls made. The only shelter we could resort to getting to would be the community one downtown and that is first come first serve in a VERY bad area!  And I also do not have bus fare to pay for my daughter. I have a disibility card, so I'm ok in that.

  Sarurday, I was told that someone had called a friends and left a message for me. It was the wheelchair company that I have the temporary chair from until I recieve my specially made one. Which was made in January. When I get to a phone, I call them and they tell me that they have to come to pick up their chair becouse they have been rufused payment due to the insurance has been paying since April to another company for another chair. Hmmmm?!?!? We have this invisible chair that I have been arguing back and forth over since April, with another company, they tell me they dont know where it is and so on, yet we find out  they have been getting paid the whole time. wow! Anyway, call back the original place Monday, after finding all this out, and after being treated extremly badly by the lady at the place that has "my" chair, the temporary company called them and set them straight. Now it looks like, with all prayers and hope, "my" chair will be with me within the next 2 weeks and I am allowed to keep this temporary one till then. Even tho' they are not getting paid! Now thats sweet!!!!!!!! Thats is HIS love working! A shining moment to hang onto in all of this.

  Yet I am loosing this battle and loosing faith! Oh yes, I keep talking to my Lord & Savior, yet, I feel nothingness all over again. I have NO answers. NONE! NOTHING! In a few days someone is going to say "so what are you going to do cause you know you can not stay here anymore" and I have nothing. I will have to lie and say it is all good just so no one feels badly and do whatever. My oldest son is on the brink of something. I worry for him as he is bi-polar, but wont admit it and is on nothing to cope. He has a history of suicide on his fathers side of the family. He knows my health situation and he feels that "why should he care, his mother is gonna die anyway"...this was said to me by his girlfriend. My daughter, she just goes with the flow yet she is so angry that this is destroying her and will one day show in a bad way. She recently told me that she is no longer a virgin and this happened while I was in the nursing home...she was only 14. My poor baby has been through too much. She is still a good girl and we are close, but what will become of her if this continues? I need to keep her close to me so I can wathc her and pratect her, yetm I am doing nothing for her, so what shall I do? She will hate me ( she has said) if I were to send her to someone so she has some stability. She is not even in school right now becouse we do not know what will happen tomorow and we are staring here and there so often. My twins are screaming inside, begging for this to stop for their mommy. And the youngest twin cries constantly becouse he so desperatly wants to be with ma'. If this is the cross that I must bare, then  let me bare it alone. Please spare my children. GIVE ME ANSWERS for the sake of my children. Help them if YOU wont help me! The children are suffering down here, wont YOU hear their cries.

   I've lost the ability to shed tears, the ability to care what happens to me, but I have never stumbled when it came to my sincerity, honesty, loyalty, truths, honor, love and sympathy towards humankind or the like, which has brought about many of my mistakes, but, should my children suffer the sins of the mother becouse she gave too much? And now, no one is there for her?!

 

[Jen Solano]

Hey Shel,

I am very sorry to hear of this news although pleased to hear of your new wheelchair. Some of us are very concerned and are wondering if in fact all of your resources have been exhausted. I was looking back in your past posts and am confused about what state you live in?

Praying for you!

[sage61]

right now I am in Ohio.

  After reading threw my post I realized that maybe others my misconcieve that when I was saying...."won't You hear their cries"...and "if not help for me, at least help my shildren", this was aimed at OUR LORD. Not at those of you whom read this. I was not yelling at anyone or anything like that.

[Jen Solano]

Thanks Shel! I'll have someone get in touch with you.

blessings,
Jen

[sage61]

Update:
   Well the Lord answered our prayers about the storage space and our belongings. My twins father called me Saturday from the srorage place and informed me that they were willing to settle for an amount as long as we got it out this week. He needed to know if we had somewhere else to store it for sure so that he could go ahead and do it. My son has a friend that said no problem for us putting it in her basement, so it was taken care of.
   We went today and when we got there they had taken our lock off and had only theirs was on. We managed to get the key and were so excited that it did not dawn on us at first...after he paid them, they went in and removed what they wanted! We had no furniture left, the televisions are all gone, the microwave, beds, couches and so on. The boxes and bags were strewn around so we had to repack alot.
   Well I suppose we should be very joyous that we have the irreplacable things and I am, it is just very heartening and angering. I was looking through things so I could find a pair of hardsole shoes (I am waliking alot better at times and would like to be able to do so always), but could only find another pair of moccasins, which is what I already have. The things were strewn about so much that I would find one shoe and not the other. Who knows if I even have the other anymore. Tried to find some clothes and was able to find a pair of pants and 2 shirts. I dont understand where everything is. Although we were in a hurry becouse the kids have a three hour trip back and have to unload so will see. I could'nt even find any of our coats. Whatever, I am sure eventually when we can have a real shelter over our heads and can go through everything, we will find alot of memories that make up for alot.
   My daughter had her best friend with her and she did got the chance to go threw her bags and boxes a little and had a few good memories. We did have to leave alot behind also becouse we could not afford a uhaul truck big enough, (got one of those trailers)  but nothing that a little tree lawn shopping wont replace!

[danieljenkins]

I happy to hear your prayers were answered.
keep you chin up, as hard as things can be at times,
sometimes it's just to make room for something better.
There really is a silver lining in every rain cloud, sometimes is just a little tough to see.
I've been up, and I've been down, but the beauty of it all is that I truly live.
I'm blessed to have experienced things that people have only dreamed about.
Just keep on keeping on, Sage.

Wish you the very best.

Daniel

[Shawn Plaugher]

I am very happy everything has worked out for you Sage, I believe everything not only happens for a reason but with a purpose as well because this is something we not only learn from but others  as well, thanks for letting us know everything has worked out for you!

Best Regards,

[Lillyfrog]

Sage,

My prayers are with you and your family.  With disabilty I know it is hard, but hold on, because  they can not deny you 3 times with out a state hearing. Sorry to say especially in Ohio they will deny phyiscal disabilities 2 - 3 times. But remember they can't deny you after 3 without a state hearing.  Dont give up that is what they want you to do.  My son was paralyzed from waist from birth, they denined me, I had to have a senator help to get his thru.  YOu can talk to an attorney they don't charge you up front  for social security or disability until you get approved they take their payment from the back amount you will recieve once you are approved.  Back Amount will be from date you applied, or you can call or email an senator to help takes a little bit longer but no cost. Just make sure they don't classify under presumed disable  Also did you check with Job & family services about getting temporary housing, food stamps, and money.  With you having no income you should be able to get help. It is usually if you make to much over the income they wont help. YOu can also fill out all papers online and take to their office. 

[sage61]

Just an update.
     Since I have written this, my daughter & I have stayed at shelters, been between friends, back & forth and so on. Well, 3 freinds, seems I really don't have any friends anymore, ( I kind of figured out who was true anyway when I was in the nursing home) at least none in this area. We are now at my twins fathers home.  A bit more stable, thank The Lord  for this shelter, but as with all, when in a postion such as this, there are some things I have to deal with that I should NOT have to, but, guess this is just again, something that will only be part of what it is we are aiming for to get to. I will go threw whatever in order to get to what it is God has planned for us.
  As far as all the SSD & county and all of that, it has served to become more of a burden than I think neccesary. SSD is still waiting for a date for a hearing, yet they still need some things from "a" Dr.! Funny, I finally found one that my friend reccomended, (she works at hospital), the man saw me 3 times, the first,  he changed my epilepsy meds,(man does not know me), was all willing to help me get SSD, second visit, the man was forgetful, repeated himself and was rather rude, & treated me just like I am used to be treated by many of the docs that have anything to do with Cleveland Clinic, my daughter wanted to punch him, he reminded me of my "ailments" as though I was unaware of them (long story so forget it). Third visit, he was very argumentative with me. He asked what I "wanted" I of course replied that I needed a doctor in which that would stay by my side & not treat me like I am on an esembly line, hey the truth is the truth guys. Anyway, outside, I was sittng there shaking becouse the visit upset me so, & three people approached at seperate times, all claiming that they too were being treated the same way by this man, one of which was a very sweet elderly lady. Needless to say, a few days later, my friend recieves a letter in the mail for me. "We are sorry to inform you...after very long hard thought....it hurts us...have decided...to no longer be your care providers." WOW! Whatever, just another story to add to the non ending fiction that is my life.
  I say this not becouse I think  I have been threw more than others and so on, but becouse I have been told by those that know & have been there every step of the way, say that if they had not been there, the things they have seen happen, been done to, what I have dealt with, how I have been treated by many, how so many things that work for others do not seem to work for me, & on  & on...they themselves would scratch their heads as well and not believe half of what I say. There was a point recently in which I forgot that suffering is supposed to bring you closer to God & I started to grow further from Him. Now, tho' things are no better than they were a year or 2 years ago, I realize that I need nothing but God Himself. The only problem with that is that I have to live here on this earth and take care of a child and while having to do so, having our own home and some stability is very important. So I am continuosly praying that little by little He may take some of these burdens from me, give them back slowly, so that there is nothing standing in my view of Him anymore. I am praying that time becomes a bit more understandable to me: time has basically not moved in 2 years for me, I am back to exactly were I was a year ago to date, with even more burdens & less baggage. I understand He has no timetable & during "this TIME" which stands immoble for me, I pray I no longer become jaded, angry, restless, unsettled  and worrisome.  No matter the consequinces now, please let me see something a little visible so I know there is something I really am aiming for and changing, or going to happen or something...th ats kind of all I wish would change. Is to see something is going to be there after all this hard work I have put in for so many years of nothingness, here on this earth for my daughter to be settled into before all is too late.
  I would like to say that He has answered! He has lifted the "feeling" of the heaviness of the hundreds of burdens that were on my shoulders. They are there, but, He is sorting threw them slowly, cautiously & in a manner in which to teach me to trust HIM. A few small things have been getting taken care of such as, I finally recieved my birth certificate & state ID, yes even little things like this were hard to make happen believe it or not, but He has taken over & tah dah! I still ask Him just about every other second or so if my thoughts and answers are His or mine. It is very important now becouse I have some decisions to make & I desperatly need to clearly hear only HIS answer to this and know for sure before I act upon it. So, there you have the gist of it.
  In answer to a few questions, there is not an agency that I am not in, talked with rehashed with or that is or is not doing a thing. When the presidential campaigne was here,  my daughter & I went to the campaigne office, told our story & asked, " ok, so, what would or could this candidate do for us and why should I vote for them?" we ended up volunteering for them the next two days, and yet nothing was done and I have heard nothing since. I have been to the House of Representative s office, I have called people in postions in which you would think they would be willing to help(especialy now during capaigning time) yet do you know what I have gotten? The same list over and over, the one I recieved when I was going to college on my first day of Human Resources class, "The Street Card". Has all the places you can supposedly call for shelter, help and so on. Not in Ohio!  Worst state for us to be in going threw these things, been told by everyone. Although I was also told by a few of my workers, whom work with hundreds plus families a year, "I commend you Shel. I do not see how you even want to get out of bed every day and carry on, let alone breath." Was nice to hear, yah, but, hey, where's the help guys. :}
  I am just gonna "keep on keepin on " as I always have, but pray that I can hang on even tighter to my Lord & Savior cause boy, I want Him so badly!
  I love you all
Shel

[Jen Solano]

Thanks for posting an update Shel. Keep pressing on toward the PRIZE.

JEN