SOS - Daughter out of control

[lilylive]

I am not one for asking for help, very bad at it actually, but, i really really need some advice/guidance/direction.

My daughter is 13, say no more? She has an anxiety disorder for which we have HAD to resort to medication for (Lovan). In counseling last year, at the local community mental health for adolescents services, her counsellor diagonised her with Oppositional Defiance Disorder and Anxiety Disorder. (I too suffer from Anxiety Disorder and panic attacks and am emotionally unwell).

At present she; refuses to go to counseling any more, doesn't look after herself at all, every thing is an ISSUE, is anxious and depressed and feels like no body loves her and is angry and seems bent on hurting myself, her father and her sister, and most of all, herself.

Unfortunately her dad and split up 8 years ago, and i know this plays a part as well. Today she went off the deep end and hurled viscious comments at me, proclaiming she didn't want me to be her mother any more, that she didn't want to be part of this family, and was going to run away and find a new family, one that LOVES her, that she doesn't want to live this stupid life, and many other things i can't bring myself to repeat - they hurt so bad.

If anyone has had the same problems with their daughter, please talk about them with me. I am trying to find a solution, as she is in self destruction mode and i am very worried. At this point, i fear for her safety and fear she may be headed towards a mental health ward, which is the LAST thing i want to do.

There are many factors surrounding her in the emotional health of her father, myself and sister as well. I am presently looking for an understanding counselor - if i can get her there!!!!

btw, she is supposed to begin High School in 4 days. I know i sound desperate, because i AM.

Lily


I probably should have posted this in the forum; GiveYourself.c om » Support, Friendship & Prayer Requests.

[Ped]

Hello Lily,

I'm sorry I can't be of any practical help to you, or offer any relevant advice as such, but I just wanted you to know that I hope everything works out for you and your family, and you all get whatever it is you need to help make things better all round.

Take care .. good luck,

Muchluv,

Pedx

[lilylive]

don't be sorry, i'm grateful you took the time to lend your ear and support, and offer your hopes for us -- thanks Ped

Bless,
Lily

[Lillyfrog]

Lily

My son was diagonsed ODD and depression, I still think he has bi-polar with it, because his dad did. Check out WebMD, They have useful information and other links for ODD.  From what I read it will be a long road, it is not curable, or treatable with medicine.  How long has she been on the medicine for panic attacks, if it has been long enough to see if medicine is helping or hurting, not saying take her off the medicine.  But if you noticed her moods been more freguent or violent, talk to your doctor about switching until you find one that doesn't cause more moods etc.  Also check with your high school, they usually have couselors that will meet with your child at school or home, or both and work towards goals to help teach her actions versus reactions, common ground with you.  Plus it will help the school to know about your child, because with ODD, you will proably have a lot of calls. Going in and discussing and taking info & making it known that teachers just reacting and yelling or having attitude right off the bat is not going to help the situation it will make it worse.  The program helped with my son, I'm not saying it will solve it.  But it also helps them to find someont to talk to and keep you connected. This program is thru school but usually also with Youth & family guidanc thru your State.  Maybe since she doesn't want to go to counseling herself, see about setting up session for you & her toghther, that way she kinda doesn't have a choice about going and maybe try to explain, this is for you both, to help you both emotionally and for you to communicate with each other.  From what I read, ODD is a lifelong battle, you have to choose your battles.  Hopefully some of this will help.  If you ever need to talk please email me at dwhite7719@wowway.com or thru myspace at www.myspace.co m/lillyfrog.   God Bless
Take Care
Dawn

[Jen Solano]

Dear Lily,

A lot of my suggestions were precisely mentioned by Dawn. Kudos Dawn. I too have no advise to give you from personal experience, however, I have counseled many parents and teens with various life issues. In my experience a healthy spiritual life pays significantly well. I would add to Dawn's advice seek support for yourself as well, perhaps their is an ODD support group in your area, seek counseling to help you through a private practice, church etc. You need to stay healthy in order to help, guide and counsel your precious girl.

I too am available to talk my email is listed in my signature below,

Blessings,
Jen

[Lillyfrog]

Thank you Jen.

I am glad I came to this community. There is alot of caring people. Thanks again, because it good to know as a mom, how I am handling things is more towards the right direction. When your a single parent, trying to be both a mom & dad. And dealing with this issues, you never know if how your handling things is more helpful or hurtful.

Dawn

[lilylive]

Dawn,

Thank you so much for your reply. It is a blessing to have someone to relate to. I hope someone, somewhere is looking into why this disorder happens. I've stopped asking why's because they are fruitless and time consuming, and my time is spent more with dealing with her constant demands. You say choose your battles, you are so right!! If i could take her angst away, i would, it's painful to watch them go through this, and my hope is that, if there isn't a cure, that we can contain it.  She was born 10 weeks premature too, so i'm wondering about the effect of that, on her life today.

I don't want her going down the road of drugs and psychotherapy, i really don't. I feel she needs someone, besides her family, someone trusted, to TALK to, on a REGULAR basis. This is what i'll be searching for.  It will take the heat off her sister too, as she is the one who spends the most time with her, and is very worn down by it. I will be speaking to the school tomorrow about a counselor and programs there. I know i'll be receiving calls often, which i hope doesn't impact on my job too much, when i finally get one.  So many concerns. There will be an opportunity coming up soon for her to attend a church Youth Group with her sister, so that may help too, again, if i can get her there. Hopefully she will ride in on the enthusiasm of her sister (nearly 17). She is very anti-social as her fears have eroded her self confidence. I know school is going to be a major transition. She is VERY creative and a dreamer (a little too much, but i know it is to help balance her reality) and seriously, i thank God she has this talent, because it's the only thing that she feels she can do and is good at and gets kudos for.  Her artwork and stories are amazing.

Anyway, i'm grateful to have this little place where i can write this this down. I don't talk about it at all with anyone. I need to learn how to open up too, you know?

Thank you once again for sharing your story about your son , and for listening. May god bless you and your family, and i will keep you all in my prayers too.

Bless,
Lily

[lilylive]

Jen,

Thank you for caring about me, and lending your support too   It's very easy to get lost in her world.  In all truthfulness, God will have to create a little miracle to get me to join a support group, but you never know. I am taking steps to look after myself better, but we have a long way to go. The main thing is to hold onto my faith in myself, the greater good and continue to keep my spiritual life full and seek the riches there. I don't have a close family, but fortunately I have a few friends who care, and i am finding new friends also. This smiles my world, very much so. 

Bless,
Lily

[Lillyfrog]

Lily,

I am also glad I met you, can relate.  Each child is different, but it  is great to be able to bounce ideas, share frustatrations with this disorder. My son to also spends alot of his time with his older brother,  who this is also hard on. My oldest is disable and has a better disposition then his younger  Which I not comparing them.  It just seems like it would be the other way around. Below are some url with information that is more towards helping unstead of just listing & blaming parents.  I'm not saying that I haven't had a part in this.  But I know I am not the full cause. Keep your chin up !  Thanks again!
Dawn

//wwhttp://specialchildren.about.com/od/odd/qt/ffodd.htmw.
http://www.cnn.com/HEALTH/library/DS/00630.html
http://yourtotalhealth.ivillage.com/oppositional-defiant-disorder.html

[lilylive]

Hi Dawn,  thank you for reaching out to me when you did, it's obvious you understand what i'm going through. Sorry for not replying sooner, I've had a lot going on with my daughter and starting a new job.

The update is that my daughter went into melt down this afternoon, and is very distressed tonight. Her behaviour is bizarre, erratic and very strange. It is obvious to us now that we aren't going to be able to get her to school, she plain and simple will not go, and states she doesn't care and doesn't want an education. Nor will she go to counseling, or transition into school program, nothing. She talks of not wanting to live with either her mother or father (and wanting to live on the streets, that the wilderness would be better than this) and speaks of her horrible life and wishing she was dead, and she has been violent towards us all. The family secret, i can't hold any more. All of this has left me and my family with broken hearts. I believe she is very emotionally disturbed at this point. We are seeking help for her tonight with our local psychiatric hospital, because we don't know what else to do and can't take it any more. Something needs to change, and soon. I've seen too many parents in denial, say that they kind of thought they were depressed but didn't know they were THAT depressed, which by that time when their child hits rock bottom and harms themselves, is too late. I don't want it to be too late for her. Now i'm battling the thoughts that i have betrayed her, and it breaks my heart.

Thank you for listening, please keep her and us all in your prayers.

~Lily